One Four Three

At the end of the day as I’m unwinding, I look through my gallery at the pictures I have taken throughout the day.

There’s the taco I had for lunch…

There are the pretty flowers I got…

There’s the funny bumper sticker I saw on Walnut Grove…

There’s the…

My eyes studied the next images on my phone.  Unlike the others, these I did not recognize.  And there was no reason I should have. 

Two pictures had been taken two hours after I had fallen asleep the night before.

I have no memory of waking up in the middle of the night to take these.  The work it would’ve taken to take these should have woken me up.  I would have had to be conscious enough to notice the time, to unplug my phone from the short-corded charger to be able to take the picture, to unlock my phone, to tap my camera icon, and take two pictures, one normal and one zoomed, all to replug my phone back into its charger.  Why couldn’t I remember any of it?

As I dissected the events that would have had to occur for these pictures to exist, more important than the “How where these pictures taken?” was the “Why?”

Why were these pictures taken?

Over the last month or so, I’ve turned away from God.  In anger.  From hurt.  Disappointed.

You don’t love me, I’ve said.

And I’ve repeated it like a selfish child.

You don’t love me.

You don’t love me.

You don’t love me.

Seeing this—feeling God’s sneaky hand all over it—was like hearing Him say, “Oh yeah?  You don’t love me?  Well, I love you.  I still love you.”

I’ve had a few special moments like this where God surprises me, reminding me of just Who He is and how much He loves me and how He knows me enough to be able to show me in my own Jamie way in my own Jamie time that would take my Jamie breath away.

God loves us and isn’t slow to show us.  For you, it could be a free coffee, or a beautiful tree, or a song on the radio.  For me, very simply, it was the unconscious clicking of a camera phone at 1:43 in the morning.

Reassuring is it that when we’re at our lowest, even if our heart has changed toward God that He is still God, ever constant, and He still loves us, and He wants us to know.

The Valley of Dead Dreams

The hand of the Lord was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

No.

Why not?

They’re bones.  They’re death.  They’re beyond dead.  They’re only remnants of what was…what will never be again.

God seemed to ponder this for a moment.

Am I not God?

I paused.

…you are God.

You hesitate.  Why?

Because even though You are God, these are still just bones.

Just bones?  Did I not form the very bones that your flesh, which was also formed by My hand, encloses now?

You did.

But the Creator of your bones—and all bones—cannot make these bones arise?

Maybe you can.  But will you?

Why would I will for those who cannot believe I can?

Doubting Thomas was given proof…

God laughs.  Doubting Thomas was brought face to face with Jesus.  Is that what you want?

I laugh a little, too.

Not just yet.

I do not always speak and I do not always do—especially if there is no will or want in you.  Do you notice in Ezekiel, I am telling Ezekiel what to will to the bones?  And he speaks, knowing, because he has heard my voice telling him to speak.  You have cut your heart from me, and instead of looking for Me, you stare at these dry bones.  For what?  Already they do not move, they do not stir.  This much you know.  Is it more comfortable to look upon dry bones than it is to come with me, to meet with me, so that instead of you staring into nothing, we can talk about bones?

You don’t care about my want, for my wishes of bones to be more than just bones…

Why should I let you believe in bones when you don’t believe in Me?  So that when they dance you can look to them as if they’ve done something magical?  As if these bones could love you more than me.  What a fool would I be if I gave a spoiled daughter fruit without her nurturing and loving the very tree that gave her such fruit.  And God is no fool.

He pauses this time, thoughtfully.

You say your bones are dry, your hope is lost, and you have been cut off…  Say to yourself, thus says the Lord God: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the Lord.

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

__________________________________________________________________

I could not love the book of Ezekiel more than I do now. 

I beg God to renew my heart.

I have stories left to tell

They're of the healing kind

—Northern Wind, City and Colour

A Summoning

For several weeks I have severed my relationship with God.  Out of bitterness, out of anger, I have not spoken to Him.

So imagine my surprise when I found myself this morning opening my Bible.  I guess God had something He wanted to tell me, and it couldn’t wait until I was done being angry with Him. 

Only seconds into flipping the thin pages did I come upon Micah 6.  And God had my unwavering attention.

Hear what the Lord says:
Arise, plead your case before the mountains,
and let the hills hear your voice.
Hear, you mountains, the indictment of the Lord,
and you enduring foundations of the earth,
for the Lord has an indictment against his people,
and he will contend with Israel.
“O my people, what have I done to you?
How have I wearied you? Answer me!
For I brought you up from the land of Egypt
and redeemed you from the house of slavery,
and I sent before you Moses,
Aaron, and Miriam.
O my people, remember what Balak king of Moab devised,
and what Balaam the son of Beor answered him,
and what happened from Shittim to Gilgal,
that you may know the righteous acts of the Lord.”

Verse 3 struck my heart deeply.

“O my daughter, what have I done to you?  How have I wearied you? Answer me!”

I felt like Eve in the garden.  Having wronged my Father, still He came, seeking me.  I heard pain in His voice as He recalled His pursuit, protection, and love for me in those verses:

Jamie, hear what the Lord says:

Arise, plead your case before the mountains,

and let the hills hear your voice.

Hear, you mountains, the indictment of the Lord,

and you enduring foundations of the earth,

for the Lord summons his daughter,

and he will fight against Jamie if it means fighting for her.

“O my daughter, what have I done to you?

How have I wearied you? Answer me!

For I brought you out of death

and redeemed you from your past

and have always—always—been there for you!

O my daughter, remember what evils Satan had devised for you,

and still how his plans were thwarted,

and what happened from Stockton to this very precise, present moment,

that you may know the righteous acts of the Lord.”

Why do I fight against God when He loves me?  Why do I turn from God when He longs for me to be with Him?  Why do I forsake all He’s done for what I have yet to see?

Where is my faith?

But I used to be quite resilient, gained no strength from counting the beads on a rosary

And now the wound has begun to turn, another lesson that has gone unlearned

Then there's my father he's always looking on the bright side

He is the grand optimist, I am the world’s poor pessimist

—Grand Optimist, City and Colour

Bigger Battles to Be Won

When the senior director of your department offers you a seat, you sit.

This is what happened today at lunch in the very large cafeteria.

I haven’t spent much time thanking God for this wonderful, amazing, blessed opportunity.  I’ve let other things steal my joy and have not been very grateful to a very giving and loving God.

The last two weeks have been amazing.  I can’t say that enough and just am overwhelmed, still, at everything that has happened.  I can’t believe I don’t work at the bank anymore.  I can’t believe I like waking up early in the morning.  I can’t believe I’m excited to start my day.  And what’s more, God has answered my prayers of having favor with my coworkers.  They’re amazing people who I am getting to know better every day.  God has given them all a Jamie-sense of humor, which means they think I’m funny.  I think they’re hilarious, and I think they really care about helping me figure out what I’m doing.

I’ve spent so much time and energy angry about another circumstance that I’ve completely overlooked this huge blessing.  It was like, “Okay, got the job…now let’s focus on the next thing.”  No meditation, no praise, no thankfulness.  If I were God, I’d be sitting up there going, “Why in the world did I give this to her?  She didn’t even thank me,” and I’d yank my gift right back.  Luckily I’m just a selfish human being and God is forgiving, full of grace, and loving.

As lunch ended, my director bid me adieu and I walked around the campus.  I walked from artwork to artwork, showcased in the halls of the hospital.  As I walked from the kids’ section to the teens’ section of patient pieces, one particularly caught my eye.  In its center was written HIV, and around it were many words meant to describe HIV.  Some were hopeful, others not so much.  Just that fact that young hands had put that together, a feeling of utter selfishness settled in my stomach.

And it only got worse when I walked back to my desk and read through The ABCs of Cancer.  In this book for each letter a child had written a note.  The further I got into the alphabet, the more touched I was, and the more reminded I was of how much these children had endured and here I was, my great struggle—singleness?  How selfish!  In its own right, yes, it’s painful.  And it’s okay to feel pain over it.  But when contrast arises—when perspective is gained—when you have those moments of, “Crap, there are so many things much bigger than me…” singleness isn’t as big a monster as it seems...it’s not a life-ending curse.  No one dies from being single.

God, thank You for this amazing opportunity that I do not deserve and that You gave it to me anyway.  Thank You for the favor with my coworkers and I ask that you continue to help me through this.  Please help me be confident about my performance, and help me retain what I’ve learned over the last two weeks.  Thank You so, so, so much for loving me, and thank You for the reminder that today was and let me use this to glorify You.  Please help me trust You (again. I’ve prayed this prayer many time before, and) let me be better than okay if You do intend for me to be single forever.  Give me eyes to see Your will, give me clarity and the desire to be close to You.

Satan's Theme Park

It would be a disservice to our hearts if we stood in belief that by overcoming an idol once that we have overcome it indefinitely.

Strongholds are fortresses, literally—in Greek and in English, they are sturdy structures meant to withstand.  Meant to withstand military-type forces.  Get that?  They’re meant to be resilient.

It would make sense then that if these strongholds were somehow destroyed or overcome that Satan would be waiting to rebuild atop the remaining foundation with the weakened, but still pliable blocks of rubble.  And his construction of choice?

A ferris wheel.

At the top of this ferris wheel he would have us believe that we have conquered our idol.  At its peak we rest momentarily, maybe, or maybe not, close to God.  It would be in his favor for us to think we made it to the top without our Heavenly Father.

And as the ride declines subtly, as we’ve spent our time high in the clouds seemingly having overcome our low, suddenly with each drop we’re pulled back in.  Like a magnet—like the very law of gravity—our idol draws us back.  It’s the natural trajectory of a ferris wheel and quite so it is the natural calling of our sinful flesh.  The movement is so subtle, so seemingly natural, you won’t know you’re back at Ground Zero until you’re there.

And so we ride the ferris wheel—our idols heart-specific.  My ferris wheel may be very different from yours.  And chances are we aren’t riding just one, but several.  (We’ll figure out those logistics another time.)

And it seems that God, if He were the Almighty Creator and Savior of the Universe we believed Him to be—that He would once and for all crush each of our idols, stealing us from the ride, and placing us beside Him never to ride the wheel again.  So why does our ride continue?

Elijah, wearied from running, prays for death, for release, in 1 Kings 19:4-8.  But instead of him dying, Elijah is met by an angel, who touches him and says, “Arise and eat.”  If we read on, we witness God giving Elijah not just one, but two meals.  Could El Shaddai not create a meal in which Elijah would have been fully satisfied and able to continue on with his journey?  Sure He could have.  But instead he let Elijah become hungry once more.

When I am full, when I am satisfied, even by the hand of God, and especially by the hand of God, this satisfaction leads me to somehow forget that I was ever unsatisfied and, worse, to believe that I had the sole hand in my satisfaction.  As if God had nothing to do with anything.  Does this happen to you?  We become comfortable, successful, loved, rested, and begin to believe that we did it, and not God?

Thankfully, what Satan intends for evil, God will use for good.  And sometimes His best good for our best good is letting us remain in situations that create and feed a need for Him.  Until we realize our need, we don’t need God.  And unfortunately, some of us need constant re-realizing.

Do not be dismayed, dear hearts, by the constant rotating of the ferris wheel.  Expect hardships.  Expects idols to re-present themselves.  Expect struggles.  But as our wheel turns full-tilt, know that there beyond the bend is God, realigning us with every turn.

The angel spoke a second time, saying, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.”

Our idols are our greatest struggles—and our greatest struggles are met with a great need for an even greater God.  Indeed, the journey is too great for us.  But it is not too great for Him.  See not the destruction of Satan, but sanctification of God, and how with every turn we are brought closer to the Father who has beaten and banished the enemy. 

Open Up Your Mouth & Proclaim It

The room was from my childhood.

It was my parents’ and their king-sized bed was pushed against the wall with the window just as it had been in the days of my youth.  I remembered my favorite sheets and the amber color of the blinds.  Though there was much more I remembered, there was much that was different.

We were no longer in California.  Maybe our little house had been transplanted into Columbia.  The armed guerillas standing beside me and hovering over my parents made me think of Columbia, but we could have very well been somewhere else.

And I knew we were about to die.

The men held me from my parents as the realization boiled in my brain.  I knew what was about to unfold, and though the idea of death struck me, it was not what brought hysteria into my lungs.  It would take only seconds to die, and the physical act of death would be over.  What instead terrified me was the gnashing of the teeth that would be welcoming my parents—those that I loved the most—into eternity.  Into their eternity.

“Say you accept Christ!” I began screaming.  “Believe it, Daddy!  Please believe it!  Please believe it!  Please believe it!”  My cries echoed in my ears.  Time that had once seemed unending was finally collapsing, and with it so too did my composure go.

“Just say it…just say it…just say it.  Mom, Mom, Mom, you believe it!  Tell me you believe it!  Please believe it!  Please believe it!  Please believe it!”  I didn’t think the words before I spoke them.  Desperation captained my failing words.  I prayed that desperation would capture their attention, somehow capture their hearts before we were taken.

My father’s face crumpled.  Oh, to see my father cry—what emotion I had left erupted.  I couldn’t hold him, couldn’t hug him.  There was an eternity between us that was growing by the moments.  Tears streamed down his face.

It was then I saw the slightest nod.  So slight that if I hadn't been looking directly at him at that very moment I would have missed it.  As if it were to say...?

My eyes turned to my mother who had somehow managed to hold her composure.

The guerillas held me.  And I watched, still, my parents immobile on their bed, holding each other, helpless and unsure.  My childhood, my love for them flashed so bright I could barely breathe.  And as my final appeal hushed in my throat, because I knew the time had come, my heart broke as my mother shook her head against my pleas.

As the rifle was raised, I met her eyes for the last time.  The skies went black and there was no earth below me and pain surrounded me, knowing that I would never see her again.

—Below transcribed from April 7, 2013, sermon: Take 5, Bryan Loritts, Fellowship Memphis

“God has ordained that His primary mechanism for people hearing about the Gospel is you.  It’s me.  The Bible does not just say live the Gospel, it says open up your mouth, Bryan, and proclaim it.”

“People are drowning, drowning in their own sins.  I've got the Gospel.  The Good News.  Hmm, I know I should probably throw this out, but that's gonna be awkward.  So they're drowning, and I'm worried about awkward.  Dying in their sins, and I'm worried about what they're going to think about me...this is the struggle.  …I want the Spirit of God to ignite a fire to throw out life preservers…[so that in relationships] you have the assurance of saying, ‘Hey, I gave them the goods…I loved on them enough to throw them a life preserver.  They may have rejected…but when I stand in the presence of God, understanding that He planted me in this community and in His sovereignty surrounded me with these neighbors, I can say, God, I was faithful.  To not just live the gospel but to speak it.’”

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? (Romans 10:14-15)

Thieving Loneliness

About 90% of the time, I am okay being single.  I enjoy it and everything that comes with the territory.

But there’s a painful 10% that looms, waiting to strike.  And it does.

When friends start dating or getting married, when ex-boyfriends get new girlfriends, when coworkers look disappointed when they hear your status, when the ‘single’ box must be checked on health insurance forms.  Examination and comparison are the arsenal deployed.  And I sink.  B-23, you sunk my battleship!

Lord, Jesus, when that bomb detonates, I curl up in a ball and pray His return right then and there so I don’t have to endure another day alone.  Single becomes more than a two syllable word.  It becomes a lifetime curse.  In that 10% my future is sealed and I see myself, old, wrinkly, grey hair, wheelchair, and lap filled by a Persian, squished-face cat named Artemis—who turns out to be a girl, giving me two litters of kittens, helping to realize today’s prophecy of Crazy Cat Lady.

As of the last few days, I’ve been swimming through this 10 percent.  Wanting to reach out to God, to hear Him, but equal parts pushing Him away because I feel as if He’s been unfaithful to me.

I’ve fasted.

I’ve redirected.

I’ve adored Him.

Where’s my freakin’ husband already?!

Realizing my perspective has been one of earning His will—and trying to manipulate it—I’m trying to stay afloat on all the cliché Christian single girl thoughts.  His will, will prevail.  He wants to fulfill your desires.  It will come in His time.  Or the worst—I mean, the best—maybe He knows I can best glorify Him as a single woman, so I’m doomed—I mean, blessed—to be single forever. FOR-EV-ER!

Tonight, I delved into reading books, seeking, asking desperately for God to show me something, to reassure me, to remind me that His best is the best—even if all my friends are married and I become the designated, lifetime babysitter.

Oh, Chip Dodd, it has been a pleasure struggling through The Voice of the Heart: A Call to Full Living.  Chapter 4 deals specifically with loneliness, and it begins:

God gave us loneliness so we would seek out relationship.  Loneliness is a feeling that speaks to our deep hunger to belong and be known…Because of loneliness, we inescapably desire relationship with ourselves, others, and God.

So, I re-learned something. Loneliness is something God has given us to feel.  He took His God stamp, and stamped His approval on it, because it is good AKA if we didn’t become lonely we’d be happy hermitted up, sitting alone on our couches watching marathons of The Walking Dead—err, I mean Gossip Girl, ‘cause I’m totally a girl.

And as I closed The Voice of the Heart, my hands reached for Lady in Waiting written by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall.  God immediately showed me, me.

Jamie, Naomi.  Naomi, Jamie.  Shake hands.

Ruth chose to cling to Naomi’s God as her own even though her mother-in-law had drawn a negative, harsh picture of Him. “And she said to them, ‘Do not call me Naomi [pleasant]; call me Mara [bitter], for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.  I went out full, but the Lord has brought me back empty…the Lord has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted?’” (Ruth 1:20-21).  …Would you be devoted to a God like Naomi’s?

No, heck no.

So, the question becomes not, “Why am I still single?” but, “How do you combat bitter thoughts toward God?”

Know Him.

Satan hasn’t much changed since the Garden of Eden.  New tricks and tactics, but some of his old ways are tried and true.  Still he twists and bends our knowledge thoughts of God.

A.W. Tozer wrote, “Satan’s first attack upon the human race was his sly effort to destroy Eve’s confidence in the kindness of God.”

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1)

In my apple moments, Satan whispers:

Did God really promise you your desires?

Do you really think He’ll give you what you want most?

How much can He love you if He withholds from you what most you want?

Remember what He did to Job?  Ring any bells?  That’s cruel, isn’t it.

God doesn’t think you’re worthy of a husband.

Now she’s engaged?  God loves her more than He loves you.

God lied to you.

God is withholding from you.

God doesn’t care.

I take Genesis 3:1 for granted.  The Bible isn’t just a (huge) love letter, but a letter of warnings, too—a  form of love.  God warns us that Satan is crafty.  So knowing, without a doubt, the character of God is the way to combat the destructive chemistry of doubts and darkness.

My prayer tonight for anyone who may be struggling as I am is in Ephesians 1:17:

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.

The world’s version of love is something they want to “fall into.”  Meanwhile, “true love” escapes them.  True love can only be found undistracted devotion to Jesus Christ…If you are hoping a man will one day fill your heart’s desire for intimacy, you will be disappointed.  God knows your deep longings for intimate love.  Only He, the Lover of your soul, can fill this need completely.  Your heavenly Father tenderly created you with needs that only God can fully understand and fulfill.  As you come to know who He really is, He will meet your needs for love.—Lady in Waiting

When our knowledge of Him increases, our shortcomings diminish—not because they cease to exist, but because their shadows fade in the escalation of His light.  Let us be blinded by the brightness of His character and deafened by the volume of His calls of love.

Praying for Rain

I’ve looked tirelessly through all my most recent journals and I still can’t find it.

I could have sworn I wrote down my gifts and the things I enjoy doing.  But maybe I didn’t.  Maybe I thought about it, believing it too ridiculous and too meaningless to even put into writing.

“God can’t use this.”

“God doesn’t mean to use this.”

“Maybe He gave me this for hobbies, but not for work.”

I remember thinking, “How in the Hell could God take these and make it into a career?”  I remember being angry and confused, asking God why He gave me useless gifts.

Fast forward months ahead and I’m sitting at a desk in a cubicle in a building on a campus of an organization on a career path of which I never would have dreamed being a part.

And it was just delivered to me.  Delivered by God with a pretty pink bow.  God took my ungrateful complaints and said, “I LOVE YOU—CAN’T YOU SEE I AM FOR YOU?”

It wasn’t some great struggle like I had imagined this moment of life would be.  Where you fend off hungry raptors in a reality show style death match.  Though others pursued the position, it was far from a competition.  Really, the only person I fought was myself.  I doubted God’s goodness, thought it was a trap, arguing against God, agreeing with the devil, dismissing positivity and feeding into doubts.

Sometimes I overlook the fact that God created everything and forget that His (loving) Hand is on my life, that He has molded me and carved my path.  I neglect to realize that my everything matters to Him and that I should expect Him to be over the life He created.

He isn’t in Heaven’s kitchen cooking and all of a sudden He looks over to exclaim, “Oh yeah!  I forgot I wasn’t finished with Jamie!  Time to add…”  No, God is not neglectful, or forgetful.  It is I who is all too often doubtful, willing my own life into production rather than trusting God in endeavors both known and unknown.

Zechariah 10:1 reads:

Ask rain from the Lord in the season of spring rain,

from the Lord who makes the storm clouds,

and he will give them showers of rain,

to everyone the vegetation in the field.

What do you do when you need rain?

I’ve been looking up at the clouds, saying, “Okay, clouds, I’m pretty parched down here—give me drink!” or, really, “Okay, Jamie, your life rests in your hands—YOU make something happen!”

It’s taken me time to realize you don’t ask a cloud for rain, for it is not the cloud, but the Creator of the cloud that brings forth the showers.

Only He can provide what we need (which is great, because most of the time we shortsighted humans don’t know what we need anyway.  Stupid human eyes that can’t see eternity!)

And so tomorrow I’ll head downtown for another day filled with unexplainable wonder, wondering why God continues to be faithful even when I am faithless and oftentimes misdirected and blinded by my own hand.

Unbelief & Expectations

So tomorrow is the day.

In celebration my coworkers and I went out to dinner.  They each congratulated me and when told of my nervousness, each said, “You’ll do great,” or, “You’re more than capable!” or, “That sounds like a lot of work...you’re going to be great at it!” without hesitation.  They said it earnestly, having genuine confidence in my ability.

There are many demons I still battle, and the one that seems to cling the closest is the beast of Never Enough.  He found me in my childhood and latched on.

I was never enough to my peers, and even my parents reinforced the belief of inability.  Six A’s disappeared as the spotlight closed in one B and suddenly my hard work throughout the semester wasn’t enough.  It was never enough.  I was never enough.  In retrospect, I believe this is what led to my addiction to relationships and sex, because even if I wasn’t good at anything else, I was good at what the porn stars taught me—what I thought redeemed me from every other failure—and I fed off the only validation I had.  (Today, I believe this to be the root of heartache for many women.)

This lifestyle, I’m starting to realize, is one of the reasons I never finished school.  I have never been enough, so if life tells me I will never be enough.  Why try?  If I know how it ends, continuing to try is futile.  So, I settled in as teller, and would have happily been one for the next 50 years.  Not for lack of ambition or desire, but for lack of belief that I could ever be anything else.

I am still battling this demon, which is why I’m terrified of this new path.  Never Enough tells me I’m a fool for taking a risk and leaving the bank.  I’ll probably be unemployed within the month, because they’ll realize I can’t do anything.  This noise echoes in my head.

As these thoughts have played out throughout the last couple of months, the Holy Spirit has been my greatest advocate.

He lays his hand on my soul, shooing Never Enough away.  With him around, it doesn’t matter if I’m not enough.  He places hands on mine and guides me.  He takes my thoughts and steers them.  My words?  No, those aren’t my words, those are his.

Child, I hear him say.  Pride comes in so many forms.  You place too much on yourself as if you have had control over anything in your life.  As if a different intellect would have granted you a different path from that chosen by God.  As if money would have changed your socials realms.  You are here for nothing you have had or have not had.  You are here by the very hand of God.  Quell the beast of Never Enough, because it is not about being enough.  If it were, all humanity would be relinquished to pits of fire.  You are here in this moment, in this life, as you are, because God’s hand is over you and has placed you in a specific way in a specific position in the world—to glorify Him.

If this alone is the purpose of your life, and if all things bring glory to the Father, however could you fail?  Even if you were to run against God, He would be able to use this for His purpose.  Look eternally into the folds of life and see that you are here not because of your capabilities—though you are very capable—but because God has fashioned this just so in your life.  Remove you.  Take the pressure off of yourself.  And place focus instead on He who controls all.  He who brought you to it will bring you through it.  We were with you through the interviews, we’ll be with you through the rest of it.

He brings to mind years ago, me sitting in my living room with my very first small group.  We talked of dreams.  I had none.  Afraid to dream from fear of failure, lacking direction, my life had no goals.  I wish I could find in all my journals what I had written when forced to list gifts and talents—and when I prayed to God for a career that would bring me joy in serving Him.

And now I believe I have just that.

The answering of prayers is a terrifying thing.  Bryan spoke on Sunday how we pray to God over our circumstances, but we don’t expect Him to answer us.

We come to Jesus in prayer, we come out of devotion, but our devotion is devoid of any expectation.  We don’t expect Jesus to move, we pray about our marriage because we should pray about our marriage, but we don’t expect him to move in our marriage.  We pray about our sick children, but we don’t expect Him to do a miracle.  We pray about the season of unemployment, and the pink slips, and the financial and health crisis we may be going through.  We pray out of devotion, but there’s no sense of expectation.  Friends, this is a travesty.  What the text teaches us is if God can handle a dead Jesus, he can handle a dead marriage.  If God can handle a dead Jesus, He can handle a pink slip.  If God can handle a dead Jesus, He can handle a sick child.  If God can handle a dead Jesus, He can handle any situation that comes into your life.  Friends, don’t just go to God out of duty, but when you go to Him expect—expect Him to work in your life.

More often than not, my focus is on me.  What I can do.  What I can’t do.  It’s no mystery the beast of

Never Enough is fed, because it is by this self-centeredness that he lives.  Truly this says of me that my expectations of God are nonexistent, because my expectations rest solely on me.  And what happens when expectations are placed on a sinner?

The flesh controls what reins it is given and fails miserably.

When God is given the reins, when expectations rest in the hands of He Who created the universe, created my very being—when there is a certainty of fulfillment and not just a hope for it, when we trust that our God means good for us—then we are released from a bondage of slavery to the expectations we have for ourselves.

That peace that transcends all understanding?  That is exactly what that sounds like to me.

Hard Prayers

God gives the hungry heart resources.

He gives us resources to see Him, to learn Him, to experience Him—not only firsthand, but secondhand.  One of the resources God has given us, besides the beautiful, beautiful Bible, is our friendships.

When the firsthand is failing, it is the second that offers encouragement.

When the first lacks conviction, the second offers edification.

When the first lacks direction, the second offers guidance.

I’m thankful for the secondhands in my life.  When stories are shared, I am reminded of God’s love and sovereignty.  I’m reminded that I’m not the only one who loves God, who struggles to love God and be obedient.  I am reminded that He is constantly at work in all of our lives.

Tonight, I read an e-mail from a friend—a beautiful, on-fire-for-God woman, and I cried, both challenged and encouraged.  The women I admire in my life—the ones who just ooze Jesus—know that the most satisfying path to Jesus is the one fertilized with “hard prayers.”

Hard prayers are my favorite.  They’re not your obviously beautiful, “Bless her walk, Lord,” prayers.  No!  They’re the, “God, tear down her walls, challenge her, rebuild her however You see fit,” prayers, the “God, do whatever it takes to bring her closer to You,” prayers.

Doesn't sound quite that friendly or loving, does it?

If we rearrange our minds to reflect the eternal kingdom, our perspective is permanently changed.  Our minds need be set on the dial of eternity—for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart via hunky King Solomon.

If the purpose of our lives is to glorify God, to be closer to Him, to walk like Him, to be like Him, to live like Him, a prayer to take anything that stands in the way of that is ultimately the sweetest prayer. Our flesh a permanent magnet for sin, it is out of love that these prayers are prayed, and we are in desperate need of friendships that yank us closer to God.

Keep these friends around you.  I learned long ago—thanks, Matt Chandler!—that these are the friends to hold precious.

These friends are the resources that, with the water from the Living Well, help to nurture your walk.  (Beware of weeds that suck away your time, destroy good spirits, and act as poison instead of nourishment.)

If we truly are like the five people we are with the most in life—if our friendships are a reflection of who we are—take note of who is in your life, and, though honoring everyone, appreciate all the more the secondhands whose lives are present day pictures of our God answering in love our hard prayers.