I could have sworn I wrote down my gifts and the things I
enjoy doing. But maybe I didn’t. Maybe I thought about it, believing it too
ridiculous and too meaningless to even put into writing.
“God can’t use this.”
“God doesn’t mean to use this.”
“Maybe He gave me this for hobbies, but not for work.”
I remember thinking, “How in the Hell could God take these
and make it into a career?” I remember
being angry and confused, asking God why He gave me useless gifts.
Fast forward months ahead and I’m sitting at a desk in a
cubicle in a building on a campus of an organization on a career path of which I
never would have dreamed being a part.
And it was just delivered to me. Delivered by God with a pretty pink bow. God took my ungrateful complaints and said, “I
LOVE YOU—CAN’T YOU SEE I AM FOR YOU?”
It wasn’t some great struggle like I had imagined this
moment of life would be. Where you fend
off hungry raptors in a reality show style death match. Though others pursued the position, it was far from a competition. Really, the only person I fought was myself. I doubted God’s goodness, thought it was a
trap, arguing against God, agreeing with the devil, dismissing positivity and
feeding into doubts.
Sometimes I overlook the fact that God created everything and forget that His (loving)
Hand is on my life, that He has molded me and carved my path. I neglect to realize that my everything
matters to Him and that I should expect Him to be over the life He created.
He isn’t in Heaven’s kitchen cooking and all of a sudden
He looks over to exclaim, “Oh yeah! I
forgot I wasn’t finished with Jamie!
Time to add…” No, God is not
neglectful, or forgetful. It is I who is
all too often doubtful, willing my own life into production rather than
trusting God in endeavors both known and unknown.
Zechariah 10:1
reads:
Ask rain from the Lord in the season of spring rain,
from the Lord who makes the storm clouds,
and he will give them showers of rain,
to everyone the vegetation in the field.
What do you do when you need rain?
I’ve been looking up at the clouds, saying, “Okay,
clouds, I’m pretty parched down here—give me drink!” or, really, “Okay, Jamie,
your life rests in your hands—YOU make something happen!”
It’s taken me time to realize you don’t ask a cloud for
rain, for it is not the cloud, but the Creator of the cloud that brings forth the
showers.
Only He can provide what we need (which is great, because
most of the time we shortsighted humans don’t know what we need anyway. Stupid human eyes that can’t see eternity!)
And so tomorrow I’ll head downtown for another day filled
with unexplainable wonder, wondering why God continues to be faithful even when
I am faithless and oftentimes misdirected and blinded by my own hand.
