The Least of These

It never fails.

At any party, at any event, any gathering, I am approached.

Never by men to whom I am attracted, but by men who are attracted to me, and, by most accounts, are socially awkward.  There is no delicate way in which to say this.

The quiet.  The meek.  The meaning-well.  The struggle-for-words.  The trying-their-best.  Those men.

For years I struggled with my own identity, wondering if there was something lacking in my being, looking at myself as a less-than, because I was being pursued by people I supposed were “less-thans.”   Imagine how little God appreciates that thought of mine.  Horrendous, a comment so repulsive it is dripping with disgusting and disfiguring pride.

More recently He’s revealed to me the truth of it, showing me that these men who are drawn to me are indeed a reflection of some part of me.

Having a brother diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia has left my heart soft to men who are also socially unable to connect.

His heart is no different than mine, wanting to connect with others, but having the inability to penetrate a world that doesn’t accept him, need him, or want him.  No heart is different from his from ours, and it is because of this knowledge that I ache desperately for the unwanted.  But it leaves me trying to figure out a formula that comforts them without communicating the wrong message.

Balanced between two states am I then.  One state in which I want to be open with these men, because if it were my brother I’d want someone to be open to him.  But the other is knowing the delicate state of a person wanting affection and finally receiving it, if only in the most initial sense, and what such a friendliness can cause a mind to wander and with what expectations.

And so I am polite, but curt.  Friendly, but unavailable.  And it hurts my heart to be such a way, and I usually end these evenings in prayer for these men that remind me so much of Steven, hoping that other men will come along and intentionally pour into them, befriending them, and living life with them.  These is so much more we’re able to do within our own genders; closeness can be afforded without misleading of feelings.

God, please lead my heart in the right direction in these situations.  Kill my pride, but keep my sensitivity heightened.  Let me have loving thoughts toward these men while maintaining distance.  Please bring friendships into my own brother’s life.  I also pray that if and when you do bring a man into my life that he, too, has a heart for the socially underprivileged.

What types of people are drawn to you and what does this say about your character or gifts from God?

A Love of Mine

O, love that will not let me go.

My love of music, more specifically.

The last couple of years I’ve grown to love concerts.  Absolutely some of the best experiences of my life have been had at fielding of new songs and old, live.  Rushing through the moment on the whims of charismatic artists.

Michelle Branch.  Goo Goo Dolls.  Hillsong United.  Gavin Degraw.  Journey.  Jessie James.  Parachute.

My love for music keeps growing, and always, always have I had a love for hip-hop and rap.

I’m awestruck by the flows.  Something about the base that sends me into dance mode.  Something ‘bout the beat that keeps my heart speeding.

I love it.

So, it’s safe to say that when Trip Lee took center stage followed by Lecrae my night was made.

Music is an amazing form of art, communication, and emotion.  I love it.  I will always love it.  And I don’t think I’ll ever turn down a concert of any kind.

Shelby Farms & Family

I love my dogs.  They’re the closest thing I have to family here in Memphis.

They love me when I can’t even love myself.

Every night Paris is at my feet.  Every day when I come home from work Cheeyo jumps up on my knees, and I promise he hugs me.  They come to me when I call—most times.  And nuzzle me when I cry.

My friend and I went to Shelby Farms today to take pictures for possible Christmas cards.  Yeah, I know.  Cheesy.  But I love pictures.  I love capturing moments, especially as I age.  I’ve just come to realize how precious stills can be.

I love my dogs.  And we love Shelby Farms.  And I thank my friend for spending some time out there with me, so I can look back and remember, years and years from now, what it felt like to have them in my life and be out in the fields with them.

Thanks, But No Thanks

So, here I sit, in my dimly lit living room, warm cup of coffee in hand.

I think a lot of men are going to be mad at me.

It’s only been a little over a week and the propositions are rolling.  What else is rolling?

Courteous dismissals.

One person for everyone.  Soul mates.  If there’s only one person for me out there, one person for whom God intended me, that means 99% of men are not for me.

All it’s going to take is me saying yes to the right one.

Which means it’s also going to take me saying no to all the not-right ones.

What has made this easier is being close to God.  When I’ve been approached this last week, I feel a gentle nudge.

No.

He is faithful, so far speaking to me clearly over the men in my life.  And I’m listening.

I’m listening because I know He’s faithful.  After a year of focusing completely on Him, after a year of feeling only His satisfying love for me, I know more than ever how much I would be hurting myself to ignore Him, to stray from Him.

Among everything in life, dating is one more reason to stay close to Christ.  He’s keeping me strong throughout this, and for that I am thankful.

Besides dating—er, not dating, life has been confusing, sad, wonderful, amazing, and joyful.

·         My father is still in unbearable pain and unrest.  No medication or change in amount of medication has soothed his ringing head.  Games of insurance and experiment have left him waiting, seemingly in vain for relief.  I miss my father.  I miss my mother.  I miss my brother.  And if I think about them too much, I start crying.  And because I don’t want to cry, I push thoughts of them away, and then guilt ensues.  It’s a circle of pain and I just pray for relief.

·         I have felt so blessed lately in the realm of friendships.  They’re with people I never expected to be close with a year ago.  And then there are the friendships that continue to deepen.  I’ve woken up for the last few days wondering to myself, “Is this my life?”  Concerts, shopping at Target, catching up at dinner, eating frozen yogurt, watching Twilight, a comedy show, listening to Nancy Holcomb, taking Christmas pictures, and a trip to Nashville to see Opry Mills.  God has given me gems.  Such precious gems.  I don’t know how long these friendships will be around, but I’ll enjoy them while they’re here.  Such treasures!

·         Bryan Loritts and Nancy Holcomb make me want to memorize scripture.  There are no words for how I feel when I listen to someone talk and they speak appropriate and loving verses over whatever is going on in life.  I so desperately want to memorize verses for myself and maybe whenever I’m talking to other women in my life.  Right now I’m trying to memorize Psalm 105:1-6.

Answered Prayers & Friendship

God hears prayers.  God hears prayers and answers them without me even remembering for what—or for who—I prayed.

Like tonight, I met my two friends at Target.  Both of these girls have incredibly blessed my life, maybe without even knowing it.

This summer we were able to spend some time together, and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know each girl a little more.

One I have gotten to know more deeply, her presence in my life being a major blessing in itself.  She listens to me.  She laughs with me.  She loves music just as much as I do.  One of my favorite memories is just walking with her on the beach and just knowing exactly where her heart was at, because mine was there, too.  It was nice to have someone know where you are without them having to sympathize, because they, instead, empathize.  Since that day, I just feel safe with her and know that God has her heart and she is led by Him, and because of this, I love her even more.

The second is always incredibly sweet, having a huge smile on her face at any given time.  So fashionable and friendly one cannot not love her.  Her dedication to her family is amazing to me, and something I admire so much.  I really began to respect her in a deep way when I listened to her speak openly about her dating life, and felt even more inspired by her, because without the guidance or structure of an official one year challenge, she kept from dating, learning about her self—her single self and loving herself through God’s eyes.  She wasn’t blinded thinking being single is automatically better or easier.  She knew there would be just as much to learn as being in a relationship with someone.

Just spending an hour with these two lightened my heart.  We spent time searching for perfect gifts for a three year-old girl.  I hated having to cut out evening short, but I had already made plans to meet another friend for dinner.

This friend has been with me throughout the challenge.  She had a challenge of her own, and she both surprised and inspired me along the way.  She blew me away, and shame on me for underestimating her ever.  I remember stumbling along in the beginning, hoping that both of our walls would come down.  I remember spending Christmas with her, eating Chinese.  I remember coming home from California and her spirit having changed so, so, so much.  I remember the sweet card she gave me at the end of her challenge and being reassured that she was still there with me.  And now, I am still so appreciative of her, and am so proud of her every day.

All the people who are special to me, I don’t get to see them every day.  That’s what happens when you become an adult.  Life becomes busy—too busy.  And I spend life making plans to make plans to see people I love.  And though our time is short and in between, the moments we have warm my heart to no end and give me a clearer view of God’s love for His children.

God has brought amazing people into my life, and I want to take a moment to praise Him for the people He has given me, for the love He has shown me, and for the surprises He sends my way.

I love you, God.  Thank you for these sisters.  Your daughters are absolutely amazing.

God’s Word & Open Doors

Tonight I listened intently as Nancy Holcomb talked of her life as a mother and a wife in a room at the Lipscomb & Pitts building on Union.

My heart was touched by her openness, and not just willingness to share, but happiness in which to open the doors to her life.

I was in awe at how Bible-verse after Bible-verse flew from her mouth, from her memory heart, recalling verses that pulled her through difficult times and into God’s hands, protecting her, helping her, healing her.

So many jewels of wisdom she shared.

·         “Go if God tells you to go.”  You never know whose prayers you’re answering.

·         “Know hymns…because when we’re all imprisoned for our faith, it’s the only thing we’re going to have.  One person will remember one verse, and another, another, and you’re going to take verse one, and you, verse 2, and you, verse three!”

·         “It is the praise that changes your life.”

·         “A woman does not want her husband to be a pushover.”

·         “Let this baby be whole from head to toe in the name of Jesus.”

·         “Burnt toast, worst seat in the house.  That’s the kind of grandma she was.  That’s the kind of woman God wants you to be.”

·         “You are never free to not minister to someone.”

·         “God never tells you what He’s going to do.  He reveals to you who He is.”

·         “I am hurting as much as you…you cannot be self-centered in your suffering.”

·         “He never stopped letting me minister to people.”  Even in difficult times, God calls us to be light.

·         “If that’s where you are, that’s where you have to start praising Him.  Ask God for positivity—to be the type of person to see the glass half-full, even when it’s only got a drop in it!”  Praise Him in the rain.

That’s the thing with difficult times.  In the crown that God has placed upon His children’s heads, it is glittered with gems procured from the sadness and hardships endeavored and endured.  Emeralds of hospital visits, rubies of broken hearts, topazes of abuse, amethysts of self-denial, opals of self-realization.  Diamonds of His everlasting love and grace shine in remembrance of moments where only He pulled us through, where His love lit our paths reflected in each stone.

I appreciate more than my words can express hearing from her in such an honest way—for the string of women who are opening themselves up for Fellowship’s Chronicle.  So thankful for what it has brought my heart and I can’t wait for January when we continue our once-a-month mid-week nights!

Army Men

God, I don't care what anyone else thinks of me.  I'm finally comfortable in my own body!

I thought this as I galloped down the stairs with the dogs for a walk mid-morning in my colorful and mismatched pajamas and crazy sleep hair.

And as my face enjoyed the sunshine, it was too late to notice who was coming to the foreground of the afternoon.

Two attractive army men.  Jogging.  Genuine smiles on their faces.

The cuter of the two spoke as they ran by.

"Hey, how ya doin'?"

A goofy smile and two dogs later, I was running up the stairs, cursing my late sleeping attire.

I laughed at myself, at the words spoken only a minute before coming face to face with a drive-by eye-meeting with a cute guy.

God, I think Graham Cooke is right.  You really do have a sense of humor.

Intentional, Not Nonchalant

I haven’t heard from him in about two years.

And there he was, walking cheerfully up the steps.

We stood across from one another, so much life having elapsed since the last crossing of our paths.  I can’t imagine if he knew about the One Year Challenge.  It’s unlikely.  But not impossible.

And then he asked discretely for more time.  More time to sit, to talk, to reminisce.

It sounded good.  For a nano-second.  And then my mind asked, “Why?”  Why do this again?

Most people anticipate me becoming a serial-dater post-OYC.  But, honestly, that seems quite counterproductive.  I underwent the challenge to let go of an idol.  It would seem strange to step back into that world, and suddenly constantly date.  It would seem very anti-purpose.  No, instead I’ve learned from that, that dates are reserved for men of special rank.  Men I can see myself maybe marrying.  But not for a casual drink where time is wasted or mistakes repeated.

This is where listening for God comes in.  I trust Him to direct my steps, to tell me when there might be something worthwhile there.  And if I feel no nudge, no amount of attraction may draw me to a man for it is God’s urging upon which I am determined to wait.

Post OYC

My One Year Challenge is over.

It's time for a new beginning, and thus a new journal.