Park It

I thought when I started dating that I would write as fiercely as I did when I was writing the OYC blog.

Boy, was I wrong.  I've barely journaled, typed, written anything of any kind anywhere, and I think maybe somewhere down the line I may be kicking myself, but what I've been finding out is that my life as a single person was extremely busy, then life as a person dating became even busier, and then being engaged has taken things up even another notch more!  (I can't even imagine when I'm a wife, much less a mother!)

How am I still standing?  It's incredible.  So much to do, so little time and even less energy.  I am loving every minute, though sometimes some minutes are drowsier than others.  Hanging out with friends, visiting my family in California, spending time with the in-laws (Trace's mom calls me her daughter-in-love, which I definitely prefer) among other things life throws at me.

• Some short updates are that Trace proposed on Christmas Eve, we're getting married June 22nd, and it's a Sunday evening.  It's happening in New Albany, Mississippi, at his parents' home in Myrtle.  My parents are coming into town on Wednesday, June 18th, and I am so excited for them to be here!  My brother is also coming and it will be his very first time out of state.  For anyone familiar with people who have Autism and know they love their routines, please be praying as this is uncharted territory.  I'm so excited to see my men dress up, to have my brother at my side, my dad walking me down the aisle as I cry, and to see my mom playing on her womanly features and getting to feel beautiful.

• Most of all, I'm excited to finally be married and not have to drive home every night in the freezing cold temperatures.  Among a few other things, driving home in the below freezing temperatures 30 to 40 minutes away is not something I'm going to miss.

• I still love where I work and still don't believe it's real.  April will be my one year anniversary of working where I work and I am so grateful, thankful, and excited to be part of something so wonderful.

• I also cannot wait to have all my friends with me on that special day.  They're all going to be around me and I'm going to hug them all.  Stockonians, Wisconsinites, New Orleanians, and Memphians unite!  There are so many people I can't wait to see, and there are so many people I'm sure can't make the trip and I understand that.  They will be missed, but there will be plenty of pictures.

• Pretty sure I know what song I'm walking down the aisle to.  If you haven't listened to Christy Nockels, well, what's wrong with you?!  Go to Pandora right now and play her!  Youtube Wonderful and just imagine sitting in Mississippi on a warm summer's evening seeing me as I come down the walkway with my earthly father...picture it.  

The lyrics are great and so expressive of how I feel toward Jesus, God, and my future husband.

Jesus, You are so wonderful

So wonderful in all Your ways

The highest praise is Yours alone

Cause You are so wonderful

So wonderful You are

And Jesus You are so beautiful

So beautiful as You outshine the brightest light

There's no one like You

Cause You are so beautiful

So beautiful You are

And my life will burn for You

Cause Your light shined in the darkness

I was hopeless and You lifted up my head

To sing for joy

With a song that broke the silence of my worship

Now I'm singing all the day

And forevermore, You will be adored

Cause You are wonderful

You are so wonderful

Jesus You are magnificent

Magnificent, I'm confident Your evidence is everywhere

Cause You are magnificent

Magnificent You are

Yes You are, yes You are

And my life will burn for you

Cause your light shined in the darkness

I was hopeless and you lifted up my head

To sing for joy, I will sing

With a song that breaks the silence of my worship

Now I'm singing all the day

And forevermore, You will be adored

Cause You are wonderful

And my life will burn for you

Lord, it will burn

Cause your light shined in the darkness

I was hopeless but You lifted up my head

To sing for joy, Oh I will sing

With a song that breaks the silence of my worship

Now I'm singing all the day

And forevermore, You will be adored

Cause You are wonderful

Yes, You are wonderful

Yes I know, Yes I know

Forever wonderful

Now I'm off to rest for tomorrow is yet another busy day.  Thank You, God, for giving me today.  Your love makes my cup overfloweth!

Wondering What's Next

If at 8 years-old you had sat me down and told me where I'd be today and what I would have to do en route to this day, well, I probably still would have cried.  I wouldn't have believed, for one, that I would have made it through middle school or high school alive, or moved 2,000 miles away from my family on my own, or that I would let God into my heart, much less that He was real, or that I'd be working where I'm working or that I'd be getting married right before I turned 29.

Heh.

I often think back on my OYC.  I absolutely love everything I struggled through and everything I fought for.  I may not have loved it while I was going through it - BUT Shrek said it best...something about onions...having layers.  And that 366+ days (because it was a leap year), God stripped away everything, everything I gave to Him to strip away He took and replaced it with His vision, His love, His heart, and His strength.  I learned so much during that time in my life and regret not one single day.

And it's not just because I'm getting married in 4 months and 26 days - though I'm learning it is okay to celebrate that blessing.  What I realize and hope that others realize is that the OYC was never about being single.  It wasn't ever intended to solely make me a better person for my future husband.

It was about giving up a co-dependency and learning to lean on God for all things.  All things.  Being obedient to God was the best decision I ever made and the best decision I can make all the days of my life.

I had no vision when I was 8, and even if I had, had vision, I never would have foreseen this.  All of this was a surprise.  And though it was difficult, I'm glad and thankful to God that He's led me where He has.

Filet O' God

So what’s it like being engaged?

It’s pretty amazing.

There’s so much love and celebration!  All of your friends hug you.  Your coworkers swoon.  Your entire family lovingly fusses over you.  I’m only three weeks in and I’m loving it.  Of course none of this would be happening without the guy.  And, truly, none of this would be happening without God choosing to bless his undeserving daughter with an answering of prayer.

Having such a prayer answered is like…it’s like ordering a steak*.  But not just any steak!  You order the best steak at the best restaurant to be cooked by the best chef.  Ever.  Seriously.  Start salivating.  The.  Best.  Steak.  Ever.

Except this chef, the best chef ever—the chef that you’ve heard and read about—has kept you waiting.  You wait, and you wait, and you wait.  You begin to wait impatiently—so impatiently that you turn toward the swinging double doors anticipating your meal with each swing. 

Time passes.  Minutes to months, months turn to years, years turn to eons.  Your stomach hurts, your attitude has gone from excited to grumpy, anticipatory to aggravated.  You begin to wonder if the chef lost your order.  Has he forgotten about you?  Did he forget that you’re sitting at the table, waiting?  Why?  Why is he making you wait?  You gripe, complain, threaten to leave, but don’t, because part of you still has hope that he’ll deliver.  You wonder if you should’ve ordered the salmon instead.  Or maybe the grilled chicken.

Hmph.

Slouched over the table, obviously irritable, you play with your silverware.  There are only crumbs left in the bread basket.

But just as it seems like you’ve lost all hope, out comes what you’ve been waiting for—the most delicious steak ever.  In fact, the chef is personally delivering it to you.  On the table he sits it.  Buttery, savory, melt-in-your mouth—it’s perfect.  You take one bite and suddenly it seems like the hours you waited were but merely minutes.  The chef stands humbly, readily awaiting feedback.

“…so?” he asks curiously.

You nod, and somehow manage to speak through chewing, “Chef…it…really is…amazing…but what…took…you…so long?”

He smiles, thoughtfully.

“Special marinating.”

You want to high five him, but you just nod, shamed by your previously ungrateful demeanor.  More grateful now than you could have imagined, you thank him genuinely.  In some way, the waiting for the steak made you appreciate it all the more.  Knowing that the chef took special care of you makes it all the better.  And after all that complaining, after all that waiting—you know he was doing it for you.

See here, child of God, you are at the greatest restaurant ever with the greatest chef ever.  Why would a chef, who loves what He does and, more importantly, loves who He does it for, dare disappoint?

O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. Psalm 38:9

He knows exactly what you want.  Truth be told, He knows more of what you want than you even know, because He created you.

Of course my example of the skilled chef fails in many ways in comparison.  We by no way give orders to God or expect Him to serve us.  But we do have a loving, merciful God Who loves to spoil His beloved children.

I love that I didn’t settle.

I love that I waited on God—even if it was a painful wait.

I love the man for whom He made me wait.

But for every deep heartbeat that booms for Trace, my heart grows even stronger for God.  To know He gave, to love when He doesn’t have to love us, to bless us when we have little or no faith…

One of my favorite stories is of the church praying for Peter to get out of prison.  Well, an angel sent by God gets him out of prison, he shows up to where the church body is, and they don’t believe it’s true—even though it’s exactly for what they’ve been praying!  That’s just how we are.  We have actual little faith in God’s ability or desire to answer our prayers.

Got news for you, dear heart.  Your prayers ain’t fallin’ on deaf ears.  God hears every prayer, spoken and unspoken.  However, should you let your heart be deflated by the passing of the time, no worries.  God’s eventual answered prayer will be like helium and your once weak heart will float upon the knowing that God has never, not once, forgotten you.

* Steak is relative.  It isn’t necessarily marriage.  It’s whatever prayer means the most you.