There’s no trigger.
That comment popped into my head on my way home tonight
from Trace’s.
As the street lamps passed, my mind surveyed the last six
months of my life. It seems like a
lifetime ago I was single. It seems like
a lifetime ago that I was sure I’d never be married. And here I am. On the verge of... It’s funny how quickly things change.
And that led me to wonder how things changed. What was
the turning point? Was there one? Was there a moment where God said, “Aha! Now she’s got everything together! Now is the time to bless her!”?
During the OYC, there were moments I thought, “If I’m
devout enough...if I study enough...if I pray hard enough...if I reach this
point...if I make it to this imaginary goal post...then God will give me
someone.” I also thought, “Hmmm, I must
not be [insert adjective here] enough yet since I’m still single...”
The truth is, there’s nothing I could have done (or not
done) to have gotten Trace any quicker than I did. Nothing finally clicked. I didn’t suddenly memorize all the books of
the Bible. I definitely didn’t cure
myself from sin. I didn’t cause world
peace or nix world hunger. I did nothing
to earn Trace nor did I do anything to be rewarded with him.
There wasn’t this point where God said, “Ah, yes, you’re
ready now that you’ve done A, B, and C.”
No check list to mark off. God
being Who God is gave him to me only when He saw fit, and there is a large
vagueness in those last four words: “when He saw fit.” God has vision that we simply don’t, and so I
don’t know why God gave him to me when he did...there’s no formula to find a
spouse, because it’s all up to God.
One of my biggest mistakes was looking at the women
around me and thinking they had reached some point of godliness and the reward
was a husband. I judged myself,
evaluating what I must’ve been “doing wrong” against what they must have been “doing right.” But here’s the thing, it’s not
about comparison. Comparison blinds you
to the truth that God has a timeline for everyone. And every timeline is different. Different things happen at different
times. There’s both frustration and beauty
in that. Truth is, if my timeline paralleled
with friends’ timelines, if God had given me what I wanted when I wanted it, I
would have been married at 21 to someone who cheated on me, beat me, and used
me for my money. Thank God that He is sovereign and not me.
That’s the thing, we aren’t omniscient. We can’t see the big picture. We can’t see what’s ahead. Or who’s ahead. We have to trust that God has our best at
hand, and sometimes that best hand doesn’t get played until later. Sometimes it comes much later. And though it is difficult to watch the “my-cup-overfloweth” hands
your friends are dealt, it is very much to your benefit that God doesn’t play
your hand just yet.
So while you patiently and faithfully wait for that hand,
here’s what got me through (and inevitably still gets me though) the waiting
room:
·
Being obedient to God. Tune into His voice and listen to him. He says NO, you say NO. He says YES, you say YES. Straying only causes what could be a short
lesson to be drawn out into a long, repetitive one.
·
Crying out to God. Friends will tell you the last several months
before Trace, you could have called me Jeremiah. I cried out to God. I didn’t pretend to be okay or to
understand. And I think being honest
with God is better. He already knows
your heart, but he wants you to want to share it with Him. Happy heart or achy breaky heart, tell Him
about it.
·
Being patient and DWP (“doing while patient”). Unless you’re in your QT, don’t sit around
doing nothing waiting on God to answer prayers!
Be satisfied with your daily bread, satiated and full, and DO! Live a full life in the midst of a faithful
patience.
·
Pray. Don’t
stop praying. Keep in communication with
God. Jesus is on the mainline. Leave as many voicemails as you want. Jesus does not grumble. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayer
today, tomorrow, or two years from now, doesn’t mean you cease
supplication. How badly do you want
something? The more you want something,
the more you’ll pray for it. But more
important than that, how much faith do you have in God that He will answer?
I think I’m writing all this tonight to say, I did
nothing to earn what I have today. I sit
every day in wonderment that God would bless me so greatly. Just like I can’t quite comprehend a King
dying for his servant, I just feel so undeserving. If God can and has blessed me like this, He
can and will bless you. So do not be
dismayed. Do not give up on prayer,
because God hears you. And even though
He doesn’t answer right away, it’s because He’s preparing something—or someone—amazing
for you. And, trust me, it is completely
worth the wait and worth the prayers you may believe are falling on deaf ears,
because they are not falling on deaf
ears. They aren’t.
Trace is everything I could have ever wanted and
more. And I can’t justly explain
it. In my heart I know in what great
detail God prepared us for each other and I trust His hand. Knowing Trace now, I would have waited
another 50 years for him. Suddenly the
last 20 years of my life seem like a distant memory compared to the present.
Just remember, there’s no trigger. Nothing you can do better if you’re already
being obedient to God and listening to the Holy Spirit.
In our loneliness, we assume God is waiting on us to do
something to get to a certain point, but really, when it comes to waiting, He
wants us to wait on Him. It isn’t a
matter of reaching high enough or far enough, but just reaching toward Him with
a steadfast, trusting patience—our reliance based on heart-knowledge that He’ll
go great lengths to bless His children.
None of this blog entry is to say that that preparation
isn’t good. Preparation is great, but only as long as it’s not done with
expectation of exchange. If you’re
preparing your heart for anyone else other than God, if you’re trying to earn
yourself a husband, I’ll be the first to tell you don’t waste your time. Live your life under the wings of God. Live it not to receive blessings from Him,
but to love Him completely, subsequently enjoying the great gifts He showers
you with along the way.
