I Cry Out, Lead Me

It's interesting to be viewed as the "bad guy" when you've done nothing wrong.

Have you ever found yourself in that situation?

I didn't think I would have ever found myself here, in this hurting, dark place, being attacked, bullied, and hated over nothing.

We claim words have no strength over us, but there is enough power in them to turn a heart.  Or in this case, several hearts.

I've done nothing.  I've lived my life under the Lord, forgiving generously.  Hurt after hurt I've forgiven, because God calls me to.  I've forgiven and forgiven.

Now a whole family hates me.  For what?  What have I done?  I surely have not done what the other has done to me.

I have not called names.  I have not lashed out.  I did not attack her beloved.

And yet, here I am.  Hated.  Because I refused to let myself be bullied.

How could Jesus love the men who beat him?  How could he love the men who strung him up on that cross?

I sit here thinking, "God, all I've done is protect myself...I'm so tired of the hurt.  I just want to be safe.  Safe from the violent human hands and emotions threatening my heart and mental health on a daily basis...what else could I have done?"

Is there really all there is, is to let ourselves be beaten up, day in and day out?  To love unconditionally, to forgive mercifully, continuously, even when the attacker keeps attacking...is that what we are called to do?

My flesh says no.  But God, but God, what do you say?

Do you hear my cries?  My pleas for help?  I want to surrender.  Stop the pain.  Stop this agony.  Take me in your arms and shut out the harsh words and the eyes that cut.

I've done nothing.

Have I done something?  Please play before my vision any wrongdoings.  Let me make sense of this catastrophe.  I cannot stand much more.

My body, my soul, my heart are weakened.  I have no strength.

Comfort me, oh my Lord.  My defender.  Righteous one.  Father, where are you and where is your hand in this?

Bigger Things

Don't get me wrong.

Weddings are big.  They mark a significant life change.  My wedding is coming up in 12 days.

So much has happened during the last six months.  People I thought would be there on my big day won't be.   There are many new friends that will be there.  It may rain.  It may be a whopping 98 degrees.  I wanted a 50-person wedding.  Instead we're at a headcount of 125.

What I'm trying to say is, the day isn't turning out like I planned.  And, actually, I don't know how it will turn out.  And it really doesn't matter.  As long as the day ends with me being married to Trace, the weather can do whatever it wants, no one can show up, and I will still smile.  I will still smile, because he'll be my husband.

This is not to sound ungrateful or bitter, so if you're reading it that way, please know I don't mean it as it sounds.  I never spent my life planning my wedding.  It's never been about the production for me.  It's been about the man.  All else is an added bonus.  It's all about perspective.

Last Thursday, I was getting my third fitting for my wedding dress.  Last Thursday, there was a killing at Seattle Pacific University.

It's always struck me how crazy it is how moments in time can be so different.  That different people can be experiencing so many different things at any given moment.

I pray for the young man who lost his life last Thursday.  It seems unfair that as this new chapter begins in my life that another's life should end.

Only God knows.

Life Unexpected

So, if I don't write, I think I'm going to go crazy.

The only problem is, this is going to be a very vague post, because it has to be.  And in saying that, I want to confirm that this sadness I am about to share is not because of Trace.  Usually when there is mention of any friction, people assume it's caused by the spouse (or future spouse in this case), that the honeymoon season is over, but in this case, that is not what is happening.  It is not Trace.  If anything, he's been my encourager, my constant support.  So, in knowing that it has nothing to do with my future husband, I'll do my best to share with you what I can.

The engagement season in my life, the season that should be full of beauty and joy and laughter, has been tainted and poisoned with oppression and sadness.  What should be a time of rejoicing has been smothered.  And every day I feel like crying.  Every day I pray for time to move on so that this is over.

I don't know how or why I've  let my joy be so easily taken away from me, but there is so much negativity...  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  I'm broken.  I'm confused.  And every day, it's a daily battle.  I can't escape.  I can't escape.

Why does God give us burdens we can't escape?

Why is this so severe?

Will I look back in the years to come and regret letting this despair consume my happiness?

Where you think you'll be in six months never seems to be where you land in six months.  I never would have expected myself to be here.  Struggling.  Not enjoying my engagement.

Pump the Brakes

It’s funny, should you survive to laugh, to recount thoughts you had just before an accident.  Some accidents are worse than others and I was very lucky today to walk away unharmed.

One-lane roads.  Whether I’m driving to Trace’s or to church or wherever I’m headed, it never fails.  I usually end up on a one-lane road behind a slow-driving person who is doing anywhere from 5 to 10 to 15 miles below the speed limit.  This has happened so many times, it’s actually a rarity when it doesn’t happen.

So today, nothing was different as I left this morning for church.  A stop at a stop sign allowed a car to makes its way in front of me, and wouldn’t you know it, they were determined to drive 10 below the limit.

I sighed, and though I was irritated, the seemingly random thought popped into my head, “I wonder how many of these slow drivers have saved my life by keeping me from speeding.”  I shook the thought off as the radio played and I waited for our one-lane road to split into two.  When we finally came to Perkins Extended, they stayed straight and I turned right, which meant an open road lay before me.

Winding down the curves on a rainy day didn’t seem dangerous to me then.  I’ve driven these roads many times before, and I guess it was that sense of routine that caused me to be careless.

As I rounded one curve ahead, I saw a pine cone in the middle of the street.  Hmmm, I thought, I wonder if I hit that pine cone, if I would lose traction—silly, silly thought, I know.  Pine cone?  It wouldn’t be the pine cone that made me lose traction.

No sooner did I think that thought did I find my car spinning out of control.

I know friends that have gone through this experience, but it’s never happened to me.  I had no idea how to react.  I sat, spinning, mindlessly holding my coffee in one hand and the steering wheel with the other as the car whipped down the street.

You know what’s sad?  In the moment, I didn’t think about dying.  In that moment, my only thought was, “What is this going to cost?”  Lives at stake and all I can think about is money.  Does that tell you where my heart is at?  I stared ahead, focusing on nothing and everything, seeing a car pass by in the intersection ahead.  I really had no control over the car, and I braced myself.  I remember closing my eyes, and thinking, “This is it,” and waiting for impact.

I felt the car switch directions and instead of doing another loop, it seemed to catch itself.  And instead of piling head first into another car or a fence or a hydrant or a pole or a house, my car went into reverse and the two back tires simultaneously jumped over the curb.  It was enough to stop the car.  Without even damaging it.

 The engine had died and the radio played on.  A car drove passed slowly to make sure I wasn’t dead and then drove on.  If you didn’t look carefully as you drove past, you would’ve thought I was simply just pulling out of the drive way, which I had missed by maybe a foot.

I shut the car off immediately.  Counted to five to breathe.  And tried to start it.  Glory!  It started.

I went on my way to church as nothing was damaged on the property I had landed.  And just sat.  When Trace got there, I told him what happened and I held his hand, and I think that’s when it started to sink in.

When we left the service, as we drove to lunch in our separate cars, I studied the side of the roads.  I could have hit anything.  I could have hit a pole, a bus stop, another car, a pedestrian, or even something that would’ve been lesser damage, like a fence or a mailbox.  I could’ve hit a pedestrian.  Or one of the people who is out selling newspapers.  Instead of the car’s back tires paralleling with the cub, what if I had hit it sideways?  These thoughts started turning over in my head.

None of that happened.  Instead of any of those things happening, God kept this idiot safe.  I really don’t know how people don’t think there’s a God.  That wasn’t “luck.” It surely wasn’t “The Universe.” That was the hand of God, to Whom all belongs.  Merciful protector, loving keeper, gracious Father, thank You for protecting me and giving me another day.

The way God orchestrates things is amazing.  From little stuff, like letting me find my lost diamond earring yesterday, to keeping me safe today...just in awe and just so thankful.

No day is promised.  Each day is precious, and I’m so thankful to have walked away from that as if it never happened.

Luke 12:32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. 

Psalm 121:7-8 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.  8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me.

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  

Park It

I thought when I started dating that I would write as fiercely as I did when I was writing the OYC blog.

Boy, was I wrong.  I've barely journaled, typed, written anything of any kind anywhere, and I think maybe somewhere down the line I may be kicking myself, but what I've been finding out is that my life as a single person was extremely busy, then life as a person dating became even busier, and then being engaged has taken things up even another notch more!  (I can't even imagine when I'm a wife, much less a mother!)

How am I still standing?  It's incredible.  So much to do, so little time and even less energy.  I am loving every minute, though sometimes some minutes are drowsier than others.  Hanging out with friends, visiting my family in California, spending time with the in-laws (Trace's mom calls me her daughter-in-love, which I definitely prefer) among other things life throws at me.

• Some short updates are that Trace proposed on Christmas Eve, we're getting married June 22nd, and it's a Sunday evening.  It's happening in New Albany, Mississippi, at his parents' home in Myrtle.  My parents are coming into town on Wednesday, June 18th, and I am so excited for them to be here!  My brother is also coming and it will be his very first time out of state.  For anyone familiar with people who have Autism and know they love their routines, please be praying as this is uncharted territory.  I'm so excited to see my men dress up, to have my brother at my side, my dad walking me down the aisle as I cry, and to see my mom playing on her womanly features and getting to feel beautiful.

• Most of all, I'm excited to finally be married and not have to drive home every night in the freezing cold temperatures.  Among a few other things, driving home in the below freezing temperatures 30 to 40 minutes away is not something I'm going to miss.

• I still love where I work and still don't believe it's real.  April will be my one year anniversary of working where I work and I am so grateful, thankful, and excited to be part of something so wonderful.

• I also cannot wait to have all my friends with me on that special day.  They're all going to be around me and I'm going to hug them all.  Stockonians, Wisconsinites, New Orleanians, and Memphians unite!  There are so many people I can't wait to see, and there are so many people I'm sure can't make the trip and I understand that.  They will be missed, but there will be plenty of pictures.

• Pretty sure I know what song I'm walking down the aisle to.  If you haven't listened to Christy Nockels, well, what's wrong with you?!  Go to Pandora right now and play her!  Youtube Wonderful and just imagine sitting in Mississippi on a warm summer's evening seeing me as I come down the walkway with my earthly father...picture it.  

The lyrics are great and so expressive of how I feel toward Jesus, God, and my future husband.

Jesus, You are so wonderful

So wonderful in all Your ways

The highest praise is Yours alone

Cause You are so wonderful

So wonderful You are

And Jesus You are so beautiful

So beautiful as You outshine the brightest light

There's no one like You

Cause You are so beautiful

So beautiful You are

And my life will burn for You

Cause Your light shined in the darkness

I was hopeless and You lifted up my head

To sing for joy

With a song that broke the silence of my worship

Now I'm singing all the day

And forevermore, You will be adored

Cause You are wonderful

You are so wonderful

Jesus You are magnificent

Magnificent, I'm confident Your evidence is everywhere

Cause You are magnificent

Magnificent You are

Yes You are, yes You are

And my life will burn for you

Cause your light shined in the darkness

I was hopeless and you lifted up my head

To sing for joy, I will sing

With a song that breaks the silence of my worship

Now I'm singing all the day

And forevermore, You will be adored

Cause You are wonderful

And my life will burn for you

Lord, it will burn

Cause your light shined in the darkness

I was hopeless but You lifted up my head

To sing for joy, Oh I will sing

With a song that breaks the silence of my worship

Now I'm singing all the day

And forevermore, You will be adored

Cause You are wonderful

Yes, You are wonderful

Yes I know, Yes I know

Forever wonderful

Now I'm off to rest for tomorrow is yet another busy day.  Thank You, God, for giving me today.  Your love makes my cup overfloweth!

Wondering What's Next

If at 8 years-old you had sat me down and told me where I'd be today and what I would have to do en route to this day, well, I probably still would have cried.  I wouldn't have believed, for one, that I would have made it through middle school or high school alive, or moved 2,000 miles away from my family on my own, or that I would let God into my heart, much less that He was real, or that I'd be working where I'm working or that I'd be getting married right before I turned 29.

Heh.

I often think back on my OYC.  I absolutely love everything I struggled through and everything I fought for.  I may not have loved it while I was going through it - BUT Shrek said it best...something about onions...having layers.  And that 366+ days (because it was a leap year), God stripped away everything, everything I gave to Him to strip away He took and replaced it with His vision, His love, His heart, and His strength.  I learned so much during that time in my life and regret not one single day.

And it's not just because I'm getting married in 4 months and 26 days - though I'm learning it is okay to celebrate that blessing.  What I realize and hope that others realize is that the OYC was never about being single.  It wasn't ever intended to solely make me a better person for my future husband.

It was about giving up a co-dependency and learning to lean on God for all things.  All things.  Being obedient to God was the best decision I ever made and the best decision I can make all the days of my life.

I had no vision when I was 8, and even if I had, had vision, I never would have foreseen this.  All of this was a surprise.  And though it was difficult, I'm glad and thankful to God that He's led me where He has.

Filet O' God

So what’s it like being engaged?

It’s pretty amazing.

There’s so much love and celebration!  All of your friends hug you.  Your coworkers swoon.  Your entire family lovingly fusses over you.  I’m only three weeks in and I’m loving it.  Of course none of this would be happening without the guy.  And, truly, none of this would be happening without God choosing to bless his undeserving daughter with an answering of prayer.

Having such a prayer answered is like…it’s like ordering a steak*.  But not just any steak!  You order the best steak at the best restaurant to be cooked by the best chef.  Ever.  Seriously.  Start salivating.  The.  Best.  Steak.  Ever.

Except this chef, the best chef ever—the chef that you’ve heard and read about—has kept you waiting.  You wait, and you wait, and you wait.  You begin to wait impatiently—so impatiently that you turn toward the swinging double doors anticipating your meal with each swing. 

Time passes.  Minutes to months, months turn to years, years turn to eons.  Your stomach hurts, your attitude has gone from excited to grumpy, anticipatory to aggravated.  You begin to wonder if the chef lost your order.  Has he forgotten about you?  Did he forget that you’re sitting at the table, waiting?  Why?  Why is he making you wait?  You gripe, complain, threaten to leave, but don’t, because part of you still has hope that he’ll deliver.  You wonder if you should’ve ordered the salmon instead.  Or maybe the grilled chicken.

Hmph.

Slouched over the table, obviously irritable, you play with your silverware.  There are only crumbs left in the bread basket.

But just as it seems like you’ve lost all hope, out comes what you’ve been waiting for—the most delicious steak ever.  In fact, the chef is personally delivering it to you.  On the table he sits it.  Buttery, savory, melt-in-your mouth—it’s perfect.  You take one bite and suddenly it seems like the hours you waited were but merely minutes.  The chef stands humbly, readily awaiting feedback.

“…so?” he asks curiously.

You nod, and somehow manage to speak through chewing, “Chef…it…really is…amazing…but what…took…you…so long?”

He smiles, thoughtfully.

“Special marinating.”

You want to high five him, but you just nod, shamed by your previously ungrateful demeanor.  More grateful now than you could have imagined, you thank him genuinely.  In some way, the waiting for the steak made you appreciate it all the more.  Knowing that the chef took special care of you makes it all the better.  And after all that complaining, after all that waiting—you know he was doing it for you.

See here, child of God, you are at the greatest restaurant ever with the greatest chef ever.  Why would a chef, who loves what He does and, more importantly, loves who He does it for, dare disappoint?

O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. Psalm 38:9

He knows exactly what you want.  Truth be told, He knows more of what you want than you even know, because He created you.

Of course my example of the skilled chef fails in many ways in comparison.  We by no way give orders to God or expect Him to serve us.  But we do have a loving, merciful God Who loves to spoil His beloved children.

I love that I didn’t settle.

I love that I waited on God—even if it was a painful wait.

I love the man for whom He made me wait.

But for every deep heartbeat that booms for Trace, my heart grows even stronger for God.  To know He gave, to love when He doesn’t have to love us, to bless us when we have little or no faith…

One of my favorite stories is of the church praying for Peter to get out of prison.  Well, an angel sent by God gets him out of prison, he shows up to where the church body is, and they don’t believe it’s true—even though it’s exactly for what they’ve been praying!  That’s just how we are.  We have actual little faith in God’s ability or desire to answer our prayers.

Got news for you, dear heart.  Your prayers ain’t fallin’ on deaf ears.  God hears every prayer, spoken and unspoken.  However, should you let your heart be deflated by the passing of the time, no worries.  God’s eventual answered prayer will be like helium and your once weak heart will float upon the knowing that God has never, not once, forgotten you.

* Steak is relative.  It isn’t necessarily marriage.  It’s whatever prayer means the most you.