Friday, December 28, 2012

Minute Magnitude

She held my hand.

The littlest gesture delivered love on a lonely Christmas eve.

Family in California.  Friends at different churches.  No boyfriends to offer comfort.  It was my first Christmas holiday alone.

One of my biggest fears was sitting alone in church.  Church, where sometimes we feel more alone and on our own than outside in the world.  I was afraid of watching from afar while all the families huddled together in their respective rows.

So imagine the relief that flooded my pensive heart when I saw a friend I had met a couple months earlier in Fellowship’s Connect Class.  He and his girlfriend smiled my way and I felt more than blessed as I sat next to them.  We were together, him on one side, his girlfriend in the middle, and me on the other end.  The chairs to my right were empty.

As the service ended we prepared to light our candles.  The pastor on stage conducted us in holding hands as we closed the night, candles still lit.

Mathematically, my mind sped, if you have two hands and one is holding a candle, you only have one to give, one hand free to hold.  If we each only have one hand, I thought, logic says you use that one free hand to hold the hand of your loved one, especially if it is a holiday. 

Love—well, love must speak a little differently than the logic sounding in my mind.

As I rattled off this equation in my head, fearing I would be left to hold my own hand, his girlfriend reached out with her free hand and grabbed mine.

On her other side, my friend, her boyfriend, struggled to awkwardly hold both her hand and the candles simultaneously, sacrificing simplicity, sacrificing holding her hand on a special holiday evening, so that another could feel loved.

In the grand scheme of life, of the world, it seems like a minute detail.  But a year later, I’m reminded of that night—of that small, seemingly insignificant moment.

Minute details are often more than just a peephole to the love of Christ.  Minute details are often the windows to large instrumental blessings.

We can’t always see how others are hurting.  We don’t even always receive thank-you’s for the kindness we share.  We don’t often bear witness to the fruit of our actions and interactions, or even know if our actions were enough for fruit to be born at all.

But we know whatever we do, we glorify God.

And on a Christmas Eve spent alone, I had a piece of the Father’s personal love set into my heart, because there was glory to be given.


A year ago, I thought of this moment, God.  Of a moment small enough to be overlooked.  But it wasn’t.  You were there with me in that church and delivered to me the right people at the right time.  In small moments such as this one, it is Your mercy, grace, and compassion that are felt.  Thank You, God, for the givers of minute details.  The receivers of these moments witness Your love in such a pure way.  And I ask that you bless my friend and his new fiancĂ©, both in their individual walks with You, and always as their paths converge into one.  Let them always see You in the difficult times, be blessed by Your constant presence, and continue on to be a light of Your love to others around them in need, an inspiration to all.

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31).

For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s (1 Corinthians 6:20).

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men (Colossians 3:23).

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas Together

“Any dates with guys yet?” Dad asked curiously.

“No, not yet,” I laughed as I reached for my present from my parents.

“Good,” he smiled.  “Tell ‘em that they need to Skype me before they ask you out.  I’ll be sitting right here cleaning my gun.”

My dad loves Skype.  I love Skype.  For a family that lives 2,000 miles apart, it’s a blessing to be able to see their faces today on Christmas.


I watched as Dad opened his gift, and as my brother opened his, an R2-D2 shirt for the Star Wars fan.  Dad laughed as he said to my brother, who doesn’t like to shave, “The only time you can wear that is when you’re clean-shaven.”  And then Mom opened her gift.  “This poor lady don’t got none of her arms lined up!” Dad laughed as Mom pieced together her nesting doll.


As I opened mine, I didn’t know what to expect.  Blue and green wrapping paper gave way to a sparkly red box.  My dad loves to give the women in the family jewelry, so I wasn’t quite surprised by this.

What did surprise me was what was inside.

It could’ve been anything.  A milky ruby for my birthstone.  An opal, because I like opals.  Pearls, because I used to love pearls.  But instead there hung a small cross.  Delicate and simple.

A cross, of all things.

I wanted to cry.

I want to cry every time there’s a hint of Christ passing between us, a hint of hope of a gateway to their salvation.

It’s not much.  But I remind myself that God doesn’t need much.  God doesn’t need anything.

When I left California, the most hope I had felt came when my mother said to me, “I liked [church]. I would
go if you were here to go with me, but it’s not something I’d do by myself.”

And I’ve held onto that since she said it, praying through God stirring something in her heart.  I pray every day that they would come to know Him.  Whether it be their love of me that strikes a fire, or a complete stranger, or just a nesting of something that gives birth to a curiosity for Him in their hearts.  Whatever it would take, God, please let it happen.

I want them to be with me.  I want them to be with Him.  An eternity together, not just a lifetime.

If you read this and pray anything for me, pray for them, for they are far more important to me than any diamond this world bears.  Let them come to know and love the Savior who saved me, the God who loves them more deeply than I ever could.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Healing the Wounds

And you throw your head back laughing
Like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny
‘Cause he never did


Jacob didn’t think I was funny.

No, Jacob thought I was stupid.  And that translated into every thoughtless word he spoke to me over the course of our relationship.

Even when our time together came to an end, I held onto that wound.  Held onto it by holding my mouth.  I fell into the backdrop of every conversation, keeping my thoughts to myself.

So, a few months after the break-up, when Landon asked me out, I was nervous.

Would he rip down my ideas?
Would he sneer at my dreams?
Would he find me to be stupid just as Jacob had?

We sat across the small table from one another, questions rattling in my head.  But the conversation moved along smoothly, and I found all my fears were quieted by one, singular sound.

A laugh.

Is he laughing at me?

I studied him, discreetly, but pointedly.

No!  He was laughing with me!  I was funny!  I am funny!  Victory!  I returned his genuine laugh with a warm smile, beginning to relax, enjoying our time together.

As the evening continued, and he continued to laugh with me, something shifted in my being.  My equilibrium jarred, I took just a moment to process what I was feeling.

Warmth.  Understanding.  Connectedness.

Hearing Taylor Swift’s song this morning, I cried.  I didn’t realize how such a small moment had meant so much. 

These days, in dating, there are a few things on which I am not willing to compromise. 

Believer, check.
Non-smoker, check.
Laughter.  Check.

The ability to laugh with me.  Laughter can carry people through so much, and that’s why I think it’s God’s life-raft in troubled times and a bond that cements two hearts together through both wonderful and not-so-wonderful times.

If God does have marriage in His plans for my life, I know it will be a divined friendship with a man I love very deeply.  When we’re old and grey and all our parts are failing, after we’ve spent a lifetime pouring into the least of these, evangelizing and discipling, I want to curl up into my husband’s wrinkled arms and laugh about losing my dentures down the sink, the test results from the young doctor who doesn’t know anything, and mostly just the wonderful life God bestowed upon us and all the many lessons we learned through His grace, love, and mercy.

And for the first time what’s past is past, Taylor sings.

She’s right.  There’s no looking back.  Only ahead.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
—Khalil Gibran

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Anxious Days

I don't think until today did I realize how depressed I've let myself become.

I went to church this morning for the first time in a couple months.  If it hasn't been a couple months, it at least feels like it's been a while.

I was so depressed I was spending Saturdays in bed until after noon.  And Sundays as well.  Going to church was less important than staying in bed and not having to wake up to how I was really feeling.

It felt nice to be around people today.  I realized sometime within the last few days that this might very well be my last Christmas in Memphis.  Should I decide to move home to return to my family, I won't spend another December in this city.  Which internally saddens me to no end, because I don't know if I'm meant to leave.  I don't know what really is to come and so I'm living off what if's.

Relationships are not important to me.  Romantic relationships, I mean.  I honestly don't care if I never date.  I'm not proactively looking for a husband right now.  Life is too complicated with just Jamie as the main star of the show.  Now, this isn't to say if my future husband comes along that I'll be any less excited to be with him.  I will be happy and have joy.  But as of right now I am happy and possess much joy over living life right now solely with the intention of following God as a single girl.

I live in the today.

I live for the day God has given me.

Today I am single.  Today I am in Memphis.  Today I have a roommate.  Today I am banker.

This is what God has for me today.

I mold my life to be around God.  I don't work God into my life.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Tragedy for All

If there is evil in the world, there is also good.

For there cannot be one without the other.

No, the taste of sweet would not be so sweet without knowing the expense of bitter.

I love my brother so, so much.

And every broadcast of another shooting breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart for those killed and for those committing the killing.

For both are losses.

Not to judge, not to condemn are we the actions of others.  For if every sin is equivalent, if every sin hurts God and goes against Him, we are all as evil as the next.

Evil exists in this world.  Sin exists.  Our flesh brings great evils.

And evil is something we must live in every day.

Its greatest conqueror is love.





My loving merciful Father,

Today was a difficult day.  Another shooting in another city.  Anger, resentment flourish.  Evil spawns evil.  And there continues to be more hate and disdain in the world.  Too many times this year have we experienced this and my heart hurts all the more.  My heart seems to hurt constantly these days.  If it's not for my roommate, it's for my family, two thousand miles away.  My ailing father, my brother who will never know what it is to be "normal," and a mother who has spent a life not pursuing a life I wonder that may have provided her more fulfillment than a woman carrying for an entire family on her own now.  I think back on the One Year Challenge and how I expected dating to be as important to me as it was in the beginning of the challenge.  Are you who the person you're looking for is looking for?   Another Andy Stanley quote.  That question transformed my life and soon I cared less about attracting a certain type of person by being a certain type of person and genuinely have centered the will of God in the center of my life.  I do wonder if I'll ever be married, and I am open to dating, but I haven't heard Your will just yet.  Of those men who have asked and inquired, I don't hear Your assurance.  And until I hear that, I won't be out there willy-nilly with just any guy.  No, I wait on You.  For You are faithful.  Truly, You are.  And though my curiousity remains at who You may bring into my life, I will continue to live life as if every day is a blessing in itself, because it is.

God, though this stage of life has been difficult, though I have let my joy be stolen, when I pray to You, when I speak with You, I find the will to push on.  I push myself to see the joy in every day and am reminded of Tony Evans.  "We decided a long time ago that what went on out there wouldn't affect was goes on in here."

God, I love You.  I love You so much.  Please keep me close.  I can't do this without You.