At any party, at any event, any gathering, I am
approached.
Never by men to whom I am attracted, but by men who are
attracted to me, and, by most accounts, are socially awkward. There is no delicate way in which to say
this.
The quiet. The
meek. The meaning-well. The struggle-for-words. The trying-their-best. Those men.
For years I struggled with my own identity, wondering if
there was something lacking in my being, looking at myself as a less-than,
because I was being pursued by people I supposed were “less-thans.” Imagine how little God appreciates that
thought of mine. Horrendous, a comment
so repulsive it is dripping with disgusting and disfiguring pride.
More recently He’s revealed to me the truth of it, showing
me that these men who are drawn to me are indeed a reflection of some part of
me.
Having a brother diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia
has left my heart soft to men who are also socially unable to connect.
His heart is no different than mine, wanting to connect
with others, but having the inability to penetrate a world that doesn’t accept
him, need him, or want him. No heart is
different from his from ours, and it is because of this knowledge that I
ache desperately for the unwanted. But
it leaves me trying to figure out a formula that comforts them without
communicating the wrong message.
Balanced between two states am I then. One state in which I want to be open with
these men, because if it were my brother I’d want someone to be open to
him. But the other is knowing the
delicate state of a person wanting affection and finally receiving it, if only
in the most initial sense, and what such a friendliness can cause a mind to
wander and with what expectations.
And so I am polite, but curt. Friendly, but unavailable. And it hurts my heart to be such a way, and I
usually end these evenings in prayer for these men that remind me so much of Steven, hoping that other men will come along and intentionally pour into them,
befriending them, and living life with them.
These is so much more we’re able to do within our own genders; closeness
can be afforded without misleading of feelings.
God, please lead my heart in the right direction in these
situations. Kill my pride, but keep my
sensitivity heightened. Let me have
loving thoughts toward these men while maintaining distance. Please bring friendships into my own brother’s
life. I also pray that if and when you
do bring a man into my life that he, too, has a heart for the socially
underprivileged.
What types of people are drawn to you and what does this
say about your character or gifts from God?
