About 90% of the time, I am okay being single. I enjoy it and everything that comes with the territory.
But there’s a painful 10% that looms, waiting to strike. And it does.
When friends start dating or getting married, when
ex-boyfriends get new girlfriends, when coworkers look disappointed when they
hear your status, when the ‘single’ box must be checked on health insurance
forms. Examination and comparison are the
arsenal deployed. And I sink. B-23, you sunk my battleship!
Lord, Jesus, when that bomb detonates, I curl up in a
ball and pray His return right then and there so I don’t have to endure another
day alone. Single becomes more than a
two syllable word. It becomes a lifetime
curse. In that 10% my future is sealed
and I see myself, old, wrinkly, grey hair, wheelchair, and lap filled by a Persian,
squished-face cat named Artemis—who turns out to be a girl, giving me two
litters of kittens, helping to realize today’s prophecy of Crazy Cat Lady.
As of the last few days, I’ve been swimming through this
10 percent. Wanting to reach out to God,
to hear Him, but equal parts pushing Him away because I feel as if He’s been
unfaithful to me.
I’ve fasted.
I’ve redirected.
I’ve adored Him.
Where’s my freakin’ husband already?!
Realizing my perspective has been one of earning His will—and trying to
manipulate it—I’m trying to stay afloat on all the cliché Christian single girl
thoughts. His will, will prevail. He wants to fulfill your desires. It will come in His time. Or the worst—I mean, the best—maybe He knows
I can best glorify Him as a single woman, so I’m doomed—I mean, blessed—to be
single forever. FOR-EV-ER!
Tonight, I delved into reading books, seeking, asking
desperately for God to show me something, to reassure me, to remind me that His
best is the best—even if all my
friends are married and I become the designated, lifetime babysitter.
Oh, Chip Dodd, it has been a pleasure struggling through
The Voice of the Heart: A Call to Full Living.
Chapter 4 deals specifically with loneliness, and it begins:
God gave us
loneliness so we would seek out relationship.
Loneliness is a feeling that speaks to our deep hunger to belong and be
known…Because of loneliness, we inescapably desire relationship with ourselves,
others, and God.
So, I re-learned something. Loneliness is something God
has given us to feel. He took His God
stamp, and stamped His approval on it, because it is good AKA if we didn’t
become lonely we’d be happy hermitted up, sitting alone on our couches watching
marathons of The Walking Dead—err, I mean Gossip Girl, ‘cause I’m totally a
girl.
And as I closed The Voice of the Heart, my hands reached
for Lady in Waiting written by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall. God immediately showed me, me.
Jamie, Naomi.
Naomi, Jamie. Shake hands.
Ruth chose to cling
to Naomi’s God as her own even though her mother-in-law had drawn a negative,
harsh picture of Him. “And she said to them, ‘Do not call me Naomi [pleasant];
call me Mara [bitter], for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, but the Lord has brought me
back empty…the Lord has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted?’”
(Ruth 1:20-21). …Would you be devoted to
a God like Naomi’s?
No, heck no.
So, the question becomes not, “Why am I still single?”
but, “How do you combat bitter thoughts toward God?”
Know Him.
Satan hasn’t much changed since the Garden of Eden. New tricks and tactics, but some of his old
ways are tried and true. Still he twists
and bends our knowledge thoughts of God.
A.W. Tozer wrote, “Satan’s first attack upon the human
race was his sly effort to destroy Eve’s confidence in the kindness of God.”
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD
God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat
from any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1)
In my apple moments, Satan whispers:
Did God really
promise you your desires?
Do you really think
He’ll give you what you want most?
How much can He
love you if He withholds from you what most you want?
Remember what He
did to Job? Ring any bells? That’s cruel, isn’t it.
God doesn’t think
you’re worthy of a husband.
Now she’s
engaged? God loves her more than He
loves you.
God lied to you.
God is withholding
from you.
God doesn’t care.
I take Genesis 3:1 for granted. The Bible isn’t just a (huge) love letter,
but a letter of warnings, too—a form of
love. God warns us that Satan is crafty. So knowing, without a doubt, the character of
God is the way to combat the destructive chemistry of doubts and darkness.
My prayer tonight for anyone who may be struggling as I
am is in Ephesians 1:17:
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the
glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you
may know him better.
The world’s version
of love is something they want to “fall into.”
Meanwhile, “true love” escapes them.
True love can only be found undistracted devotion to Jesus Christ…If you
are hoping a man will one day fill your heart’s desire for intimacy, you will
be disappointed. God knows your deep
longings for intimate love. Only He, the
Lover of your soul, can fill this need completely. Your heavenly Father tenderly created you
with needs that only God can fully understand and fulfill. As you come to know who He really is, He will
meet your needs for love.—Lady in Waiting
When our knowledge of Him increases, our shortcomings
diminish—not because they cease to exist, but because their shadows fade in the
escalation of His light. Let us be
blinded by the brightness of His character and deafened by the volume of His
calls of love.
