When the senior director of your department offers you a seat, you sit.
This is what happened today at lunch in the very large
cafeteria.
I haven’t spent much time thanking God for this
wonderful, amazing, blessed opportunity.
I’ve let other things steal my joy and have not been very grateful to a
very giving and loving God.
The last two weeks have been amazing. I can’t say that enough and just am
overwhelmed, still, at everything that has happened. I can’t believe I don’t work at the bank
anymore. I can’t believe I like waking
up early in the morning. I can’t believe
I’m excited to start my day. And what’s
more, God has answered my prayers of having favor with my coworkers. They’re amazing people who I am getting to
know better every day. God has given
them all a Jamie-sense of humor, which means they think I’m funny. I think they’re hilarious, and I think they
really care about helping me figure out what I’m doing.
I’ve spent so much time and energy angry about another
circumstance that I’ve completely overlooked this huge blessing. It was like, “Okay, got the job…now let’s
focus on the next thing.” No meditation,
no praise, no thankfulness. If I were
God, I’d be sitting up there going, “Why in the world did I give this to
her? She didn’t even thank me,” and I’d
yank my gift right back. Luckily I’m
just a selfish human being and God is forgiving, full of grace, and loving.
As lunch ended, my director bid me adieu and I walked
around the campus. I walked from
artwork to artwork, showcased in the halls of the hospital. As I walked from the kids’ section to the teens’ section of patient pieces, one particularly caught my eye. In its center was written HIV, and around it
were many words meant to describe HIV. Some were hopeful, others not so much.
Just that fact that young hands had put that together, a feeling of utter selfishness settled in my stomach.
And it only got worse when I walked back to my desk and
read through The ABCs of Cancer. In this
book for each letter a child had written a note. The further I got into the alphabet, the more
touched I was, and the more reminded I was of how much these children had
endured and here I was, my great struggle—singleness? How selfish! In its own right, yes, it’s painful. And it’s okay to feel pain over it. But when contrast arises—when perspective is
gained—when you have those moments of, “Crap, there are so many things much
bigger than me…” singleness isn’t as big a monster as it seems...it’s not a life-ending curse. No one dies from being single.
God, thank You for this amazing opportunity that I do not
deserve and that You gave it to me anyway.
Thank You for the favor with my coworkers and I ask that you continue to
help me through this. Please help me be
confident about my performance, and help me retain what I’ve learned over the
last two weeks. Thank You so, so, so
much for loving me, and thank You for the reminder that today was and let me
use this to glorify You. Please help me
trust You (again. I’ve prayed this prayer many time before, and) let me be
better than okay if You do intend for me to be single forever. Give me eyes to see Your will, give me
clarity and the desire to be close to You.
