God called my bluff.
I think that’s exactly what yesterday was.
God said, “You’ve been talking about relationships for
the last couple months—look!
Opportunity! I’m giving you what you
want!”
Hyperventilation wasn’t the reaction I expected from myself.
So, why, after God gave me just a little taste of what I
thought I wanted, did I retract and run?
“You’re scared…” He said.
Yes, God, you’re right. I’m
scared—terrified! Terrified to open myself up again. Terrified of being hurt.
·
I don't
know what real love looks like on this plane. I've been in so many terrible, broken,
stab-me-in-the-heart relationships. What
will it look like for a man to love me like Christ loved the church? Is that even remotely possible? Am I worth loving?
·
I know
what hurt feels like. Being in love
is a promise to be hurt. People aren't
perfect. We're sinners. Hurt is inevitable. Anyone I have ever given my heart to—besides
God—has broken it. They have smashed it
into itty bitty pieces (that God had to lovingly stitch back together). Why go through that again?
·
I know
what it means to love. It means sacrifice.
It means investment. It means time…money…energy. An equation that has always eventually equaled
abandonment. It means to give and give
and give yourself away, only to be left—because people always leave.
What does love look like? I pray that God would show me and open my heart to it.
