Blind date.
I scurried back to my desk, and hid.
The more time that passed, the less functional I became.
Blind date. And
not just a, "Hey, let me set you up with someone"—because there's
freedom in that. That means they don’t
have anyone in mind—they’re just scouting.
No, this was a, "I have specific someone I want to set you up
with, and I can do it as soon as next Tuesday"—they've already scoped out the scene and have someone intentionally
in mind for me. Intentional. In-ten-tion-al. That means it was done...with purpose...with a plan...with intent to be executed.
An hour later, when she said it a third time, I couldn't
breathe. When she walked away, I cupped
my hands over my face, counting to ten.
This isn’t the reaction one would imagine from a girl who
has seen 90% of her friends begin to date, become engaged, or tie the knot
within the last three months. You would
think she’d be on board with finding love as soon as possible. Hell, even I was confused.
Panicking. I was
literally panicking and my body was shutting down, because of the idea of a
blind date. Dramatic much?
As I left work, driving to meet a friend for dinner, the
panic became even worse. I tried to talk
to God through my tears, but I just couldn’t reach Him through my anxiety. I tried to breathe for a minute and forced my
mind to dead air to pause my ricocheting neurotransmitters. Why?
Why was I panicked?
Because you’ve had over a decade of failed love.
Because you were the one who majorly screwed up your last
three relationships.
Because you can’t control yourself physically.
Because you tear men apart.
Because you want the benefits without the work.
Because you don’t want to invest.
…love terrifies you.
It has been easy to float around, never being pursued by
men to only complain about not being pursued.
But what happens if I let her set me up?
What if I like this guy? What if
he likes me? What if we work out? What if he marries me?
Looking at my past relationships… What if he doesn’t love
my sense of humor? What if he hates my
teeth? What if he thinks I’m fat? What if he hates my dogs? What if he thinks I’m stupid?
Looking at my own selfishness… What if I have to give up the lifestyle I
have now? What if I don’t want to share
my life with God and a man? What if I’m happiest having a solo
relationship with God without a partner?
What if I criticize his leadership skills? What if I make him fail because I can’t
physically control myself? What if I
have to share a bed with someone? A
kitchen? A bathroom? A life?
I know that I’m taking a simple blind date and
translating it into a path twenty years from now—you’re probably reading this,
thinking, “Jamie—it’s just a small blind date that you haven’t even agreed to
yet”—but having the first
intentional and legitimate proposal since the beginning of the OYC, I’ve only
now realized that being in a relationship terrifies me. What if I’m second guessing the life I
thought I wanted for me and I didn’t know it until the life I had was threatened?
Do I want to be married?
Do I really want to trade in the easy single life for
sacrificial married life?
Can I really be unselfish?
My biggest fear is not having the strength to not repeat
my past mistakes.
Am I ready to be tested?
I’m scared I’m not.
