In about 2 weeks, I turn 28 years old.
When I was 18, I never would’ve imagined myself sitting
here.
The life I picked out for myself was very different. I would’ve married Jason, my high school
sweet heart. We’d have at least two
children by now. A house in
Stockton. I would’ve been a wife to a
cop and I myself would have been a paralegal.
I would have spent my life in oblivion, concerned with only worldly
concerns, left to die of the world.
God has continuously ripped my “endings” away from me—the
places, the seasons in my life I would not have left had His hand not personally
and emphatically moved me.
August 2006 I moved to Memphis as a nonbeliever.
December 2007 I was engaged (and I was also baptized as a nonbeliever—hah).
October 2008 I finally moved into my own apartment.
January 2009 I began a new relationship.
February 2010 We began going to church.
November 2010 That relationship ended; life changed.
April 2011 In another relationship.
May 2011 I made a really huge mistake.
June 2011 Life changing event.
June 2011 In another relationship.
August 2011 Life changing event.
October 2011 The end of another relationship.
November 2011 Begin of the OYC.
There were many days in between these years where I would
have been satisfied if that had been it.
If he had been my husband, or if I had stayed at that job—I would have
been comfortable.
Looking back at each year, realizing what was to follow,
even though the pain of hurts was greater than before, the good things grew
more plentifully. And by “good things” I
mean what came from acknowledging God and His graces. It’s been a progressive scale of
transformation.
I can’t say what it was specifically that changed my
heart for Him. It was the evolution of a
thousand small instances mixed with large life changing events—it was, at some
point, the constant feel of His hand behind every breath of wind, every motion
of movement.
In November of 2011, in not so many words, the OYC was a
vow to God that I would be obedient to Him.
A boot camp of sorts, where I would pace myself to align my heart with
His. It was intense, focused, and
completely what I needed to turn my life around. This was my commitment to Him that I would no
longer walk along this tightrope between His path and my love of the world, and
I would sacrifice everything I knew to know Him intimately—or as intimately as
possible for a baby Christian.
Sometimes I still try to envision for myself a perfect
life. And then I realize I’m a blind
fool if I think I know what’s good for me.
For today, God has given me all that need. He has all my tomorrows, and will fill with
them His loving provision and direction, if only I continue to look to
Him. He has a future written for me with
the strength, beauty, and blessings that are only of His penmanship.
