It was very much that girl, and very little of who I actually
was, that I gave to him.
Months into the relationship, when comfort comes and
security is had, the illusion faded and instead of seeing the girl who had
captured his attention, he saw the girl he shared little interest in and with. I had shown him who I was and he didn’t
prefer it. It hurt not so much because I
thought something was wrong with me, but because the man I loved didn’t love
those things about me. He didn’t like
the girl behind the curtain, a pretense, an imitation of suggestions past.
It was hard to hear then.
Upon (stupid) request toward the end of our relationship, he told me
exactly what he didn’t like about me, and the list was fashioned in unbecoming
words. Though nothing he said about my
personality was morally corrupt, or damaged—just different from what he wanted—it
hurt deeply.
That instance—along with a year of fasting from dating—has
brought me to this relaxed state of not wanting to be someone I’m not. I refuse the façade. And I think knowing more about myself now has
definitely brought me to a place where I can recognize when I’m being someone I’m
not to get attention from someone God has no intention of me knowing.
True, I have no idea for what I’m looking in a man—does any
girl, really? But if he exists, if God
has intended a husband for me, I know for whom that man is waiting to seek.
A girl equal parts introvert and extrovert.
A woman who loves to read.
A daughter of The King who desperately wants to pursue
Him and be painfully obedient always.
An animal lover.
A seeker of lost souls.
A sister of an autistic brother.
A daughter who pursues her unsaved parents.
A woman who cares little about mansions, monopolies, and
millions.
A rap lover who listens to country, Christian, dub-steb, and
pop.
A lover of all musicals, i.e. Mamma Mia!, Les Misérables,
Jersey Boys
A woman open about her past to other women.
A girl who can’t breathe when she really (really) laughs.
Neurotic to the core.
Imperfect.
Imperfect and still confident in the love her Christ.
I refuse to change for the sake of being closer to a man. I don’t think we have to change ourselves to
be loved. It’s bondage to do so.
Now, I do believe
that our lives are meant to be spent changing to be closer to God.
1 Corinthians 11:1, Paul wrote:
Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.
Our lives here on earth are meant to mirror the walk of
the God who loves us so, not shifting to transform ourselves into faux-magnets to attract those to whom we are attracted.
Change for God, yes.
Change for a man, no.
All things work together though, right? In the back of your mind, think simply that
in changing to be closer to God, inadvertently, we change in such a way that
brings us closer to each other. It’s not
the reason for the change, but part of it.
Don’t make or let someone fall in love with you for
someone you’re not. The most freeing
love is that of two hearts who know each other, know each other intimately, and
in spite of that, love each other anyway.
Be responsible. A
man can’t love you if he doesn’t know you.
So let him know you. Because one
day there will come a man who loves all of you.
Not just pieces. And not just who
he thinks you are, but the woman he has grown to know who lives in Christ.
